Most likely you all are familiar with the stereotypical image of the pot smoker. He’s most likely got long hair, and preaching incoherently on a street corner about “Free Love”, or perhaps he’s a 15 year obstinant teenage boy who “has so much potential” but spends his days getting high with his friends and playing video games. These stereotypes can be frustrating because they are not true, and they also don’t show just how varied and different all of us who enjoy the herb can be. In order to show the true diversity of those who like to toke up, my friends and I decided to make a list last night while out getting drinks (and outdoor tokes). We came up with 25 different types of Potheads as varied as the deep blue ocean, however this list is still just scratching the surface. Take a look and I’m sure you’ll identify with a lot of these different and beautiful human beings (or more likely you’ll know someone who’s a mix of two or three).
1. The Skater Kid
The Skater Kid tends to like to get high and zone out on tricks. They can also be synonymous with performing random pranks on other stoned friends generally involving food bought at a nearby Kum and Go or 711. Preferred smoking method is a poor man pipe made from a can with holes poked in it by a safety pin.
2. The Professor
Don’t think that just because you found out that your professor tokes up that he’s absent minded or an easy grader! These types tend to enjoy a good smoke and a thoughtful documentary. Also have the ability to cloak the ability they smoke at all. Preferred smoking method would be an old hand carved pipe out of stone they got decades ago from a college girlfriend.
3. The Couch Potato
The couch potato has an unbelievably high tolerance to both marijuana, as well as terrible television programs. You may stumble into his house as he is knee deep in a 16 hour Frasier binge, and you may try to get him to get outside. However, most likely you’ll hit his ridiculously huge bong (which won’t be clean) and end up watching an episode of Blind Date and laughing your ass off.
4. The Fraternity Brah
The fraternity Brah smokes for one reason. To get fucked up. Smoking is almost always accompanied with drinking copious amounts of red bull, vodka, and beer in a plastic cup. You’ll most likely get way too stoned if you stumble into a pack of brahs as they tend to buy huge vape bags for a vaporizer they all chipped in for. You may get easily annoyed with them as they tend to be loud, and rambunctious, but they’re the best guys to get your back should you ever have any problems with some dickhead in a bar.
5. The Juvenile Delinquent
Some times it seems like some people are just wired completely differently, and we’ve all known that kid who started stealing car stereos in Grade 7. For some reason the delinquent tends to smoke weed as a form of rebellion or to help hide some inner problems perhaps involving being a foster child or having an alcoholic father. These kids will always let you crash on their floor and won’t judge you, but they might get you into some trouble if you go along with all their crazy plans. They tend to lose all of their pipes for some reason so generally you’ll be smoking them out with whatever you’ve got on you.
6. The Stoner Girl
Who couldn’t have a special place in their hearts for these beautiful creatures. And who said cute girls can’t be potheads? Stoner girls tend to make the boys around them fall into a trance after a few hits. Can be dangerous in large packs of 3 or more however, as they tend to fall into uncontrollable fits of laughter about a reference you most likely won’t even understand. Preferred smoking method is a nice glass piece in a nice little case which fits into their purse.
7. The Rock Climber/Outdoor Sportsman
These are a tough species to find in a city as on the weekends they tend to pack their vans full of their gear (could be a mountain bike, climbing harnesses, etc) and head to the mountains. Often they roll solo and they enjoy smoking out of a small simple glass piece or a dugout. They enjoy climbing to the top of a mountain, looking out at a sunset, and taking a few hits off of their one hitter.
8. The Artist
Marijuana has been used for centuries to increase creativity so it should come as no surprise that artists continue to smoke weed while they are generating ideas or working on a piece. They tend to forget where they put their pipe, but when they find it, it will most likely be a small plastic bong which looks like it was bought at a dollar store. Super fun to get high with and collaborate on projects with.
9. The Medicinal Marijuana User
Contrary to what Fox News would like to tell you, marijuana really does have some extremely therapeutic benefits for some very sick people. From AIDS to Cancer patients these types of smokers depend upon marijuana for their survival. They tend to smoke out of vaporizers and generally don’t smoke socially. However, if you are close to one they will teach you some of the most important life lessons you’ll ever learn.
10. The Classic Stoner
The Classic Stoner was born in the 60s and really, they haven’t changed much since then. They tend to smoke about as much as the average touring funk band and could stand to take a few tolerance breaks here and there. Nonetheless they are guaranteed to be fun to hang out with as they’ll definitely have a lot of weed (or know how to pool money to get some) and will make strange references to reptilian alien conspiracy theories. Their preferred method is a huge bong which they carry around with them in their backpack.
11. Mom and Dad?
These species are more common than most assume, and are rarely identified because of their ability to completely blend into mainstream society. She could be an accountant for a local business, and he could be an office supplies wholesaler, but don’t be fooled. As long as their teenager has weed, they’ll be “confiscating” small amounts to smoke up before they go sit on the patio and drink wine. They tend to smoke out of ridiculously small pipes as they believe these are easier to conceal, the mother especially will generally use an altoids box for a stash with the smallest pipe you’ve ever seen inside.
12. The All American Teen
Also known as chameleons for their ability to blend in and arouse little suspicion. This breed tends to enjoy smoking and going to a football game, or playing video games. Generally this is because marijuana is easier for them to get than alcohol and they want to experiment with “getting fucked up” at this age. They are the top wrestlers, and the girl who is the captain of her swimming team. They tend to smoke only occasionally and usually don’t have any of their own to smoke. Their preferred method to smoke is whatever you’ve got with you.
13. The IT Guy
I don’t know what it is about IT guys and weed, but they always tend to smoke copious amounts of it. They may be studying for an upcoming certification, or keeping the packets flowing on the web but they’ll somehow managed to get completely stoned and do both. Also known for existing for long periods of time in very low light conditions. They tend to smoke out of small vaporizers which they’ve researched extensively.
14. The Scavenger
Hide your weed! The scavenger has arrived! These menacing creatures tend to show up as soon as a new bowl is sparked and then continue to bogart whatever they’ve been passed until it is nearly cashed. The scavenger will smoke out of anything, and tend to vanish towards the end of college. An older scavenger is a dangerous animal and should be feared as they may try to sell you something strange (such as a box full of national geographic magazines) and then after you say “no, I don’t have any use for a box of National Geographics” they will ask you if you can smoke them out. Don’t feed them, they’ll keep coming back for more.
15. The Dirty Old Hippy
The Dirty Old Hippy thinks he’s all about free love and enlightenment but really, lets face it, he’s a complete dickhead. Not to be confused with the “cool old hippy” as they can look almost identical, the dirty old hippy will smoke your weed, at your house, and then hit on your girlfriend. Generally they tend to be around people much younger than them because they’ve burned all of their bridges in their generation and the younger ones tend not to know better yet, or have been conned into thinking they are the “cool old hippy”. They’ll smoke out of whatever you’ve got on you, and then complain about it.
16. The Cool Old Hippy
Becoming increasingly rare as much of the 60s has now become completely commercialized and a cariacature of itself, the Cool Old Hippy is a nice one to encounter. They’ll have the dankest nugs you’ve ever seen (generally grown by a close friend of theirs) and they’ll have hours of actually hilarious stories to talk about. Many times they will be a specialist in a certain academic field such as Biology or Psychology and a lot can be learned if you stop talking and start listening. They tend to smoke out of hand carved stoned pipes that are kept in metal stash boxes.
17. The Pot Shop Employee
A relatively new species, the Pot Shop Employee knows way too much, and also has waaaaaay too much good weed. You think you’ve got nice nugs? Well they’ve got the most powdery buds which they then put some sort of golden hash oil honey on top of before they spark it up. Forget about anything you had planned for the evening if you’re pregaming it with these guys. You’ll most likely be couch locked with 20 minutes of arrival at their apartment. The tend to smoke out of only the best RooR bongs and volcano vaporizers.
18. The Occasional Smoker
The occasional random smoker generally will claim they quit smoking “years ago” but after they see you light up they will politely ask if they can join. “of course you can” you will say because you have no idea they even smoked, and you know they’ll never mooch off of you in the future. Generally after they take one or two hits they’ll remain quiet for the rest of the night as they try to get the thoughts in their heads organized. Sometimes they are known to have awkward outbursts such as “hey, Battleship was a fucking great game!” and then there will be silence. They’ll smoke out whatever you’ve got and won’t waste much of your weed so it’s generally a good idea to let them into a smoke circle so you can observe the species.
19. The Wannabe Thug
Not to be confused with the juvenile delinquent who actually generally has real life problems to deal with. The wanna thug should be considered a dangerous hybrid of species which can result in extremely unpredictable situations. One moment you’re chilling at some basement in the suburbs, and then the next these jackasses think it will be a good idea to drive around and shoot at electric poles and stop signs. They tend to smoke blunts which they don’t have any idea how to roll properly.
20. The Real Gs
The war on drugs has spawned an unitended consequence which is the organization of street gangs who will fight for control of lucrative markets. The Real Gs tend to smoke huge spliffs of dank nugs while listening to hip hop. Surprisingly contrary to what the media would want you to believe they are largely benign until something sets them off.
21. The Rastafarian
Do you like reggae? If the answer is no then it will be nearly impossible to hang out with the Rastafarian or any extended period of time. Somehow this species can find a way to have reggae music playing at least 16 hours a day wherever they are. Don’t be fooled into thinking that just because they smoke as much as, well, a rastafarian, that they are completely peaceful. If you’re a dickhead around these guys for an extended period of time you’ll see the lion roar! Preferred method of smoking are the classic joints which are expertly rolled.
22. The Granola Girl
While they’ll most likely expound upon the fact that cooking is not just “woman’s work”, they’ll still make the best munchies you’ve ever eaten in your life. “That’s asparagus??” you’ll exclaim “Yep” she will respond “Damn asparagus is fucking amazing!” you’ll continue as you shove whatever she’s made into your mouth. Don’t let their horn rimmed glasses fool you, these girls are also generally very in touch with their sexuality so be prepared for some exercise in the bedroom. Preferred smoking method is a really trippy looking glass piece which they keep in a nice velvet bag.
23. The Athlete
Contrary to popular belief, the time they got caught wasn’t the only time they smoked. The Athlete sees marijuana as an occasional weekly treat which they smoke and then relax all their muscles which are all pretty sore from a workout. The Athlete tends to smoke out of vaporizers almost exclusively, and fall asleep a few hours after taking a few puffs.
24. The Overachiever
The myth that marijuana makes you stupid is one that just never seems to die, but the kid at my high school who got perfect scores on his SATs was also my smoke buddy. The overachiever won’t always have time to smoke, but when they do be prepared for a great discussion about black holes and quarks. They tend to like making bongs out of various objects which are found around the house and will have an 8th which they’ve been sitting on for a month.
25. The Metal Fan/Guitar player
You can find the metal fan shredding on their guitars in their apartments. You’ll most likely encounter this breed at a bar, and then go into their 1979 Ford Bronco and hotbox it while listening to Blue Cheer. The Metal Fan is constantly running out, and buying weed and since their main goal in life is to play guitar, get women, drink and smoke weed they make for ideal mates in the bars. Preferred method of smoking would generally be a home made brass pipe made out of plumbing supplies or a cheap large plastic bong.